Watch and discover the one question you can ask that special person in your life to make sure they have the best Christmas ever!

You will not want to miss this video podcast! The question I received is one that hits to the core of many problems for marriages today. Watch and see how worked up I get in this one.

What can a duck teach us about conflict resolution? Watch and find out.

How can you handle yourself when someone is out of control? Watch what Michael has to say after almost witnessing another public fight.

An article on communication I found helpful:

Couples can use the language between them to make love or to make war. Sadly, verbal aggression can be a dangerous trigger to destructive exchanges or even physical violence. Effective communication techniques, on the other hand, help couples manage difficulties and anger in a way that is constructive and adds to relationship satisfaction.

When working with couples to develop more effective communication skills we always ask:

Do you speak in a way that makes your partner listen? Do you listen in a way that makes your partner speak?

If when he walks in she says “ You really don’t get it – I do everything in this house and you do nothing!” There is a very good chance that he will walk right past her into another room, flick on the remote and respond with a comparable put-down.

Essentially this couple would have enacted what is labeled by Christensen and Heavey ( 1990) as the “ demand/withdrawal” sequence in which a complaint or demand made by a partner in a negative way predictably triggers the other partner’s withdrawal and defensiveness. His refusal to listen and in most cases his actual withdrawal is likely to escalate her negative feelings and “ keep her speaking” but not in a positive way. Soon he will be telling her “ She never lets up.” The pattern leaves them both feeling victimized and angry. The chances of mutual understanding or positive resolutions are very low.

Effective Couple Communication Techniques

Drawing upon couple communication ideas offered in two of my previous blogs, (Couples Psychological First Aid and Reconsidering the Anger in Your Relationship) we might suggest to her that she communicate her needs at a more appropriate time ( A partner’s first steps into the house are never a good time) and with an “ I message” – “I’m not sure I can manage all the chores.” “I think I need some help.”

via Couple Communication for Anger Management | Healing Together for Couples.

We like starting off chapters with a powerful illustration that brings home the point of the chapter in a way that only illustrations can. It can feel daunting at times to keep finding new stories and metaphors that work for each chapter. We will scour the Web, browse through books and books of writing illustrations, and even “borrow” really good ones from other books we have read. And then sometimes, God drops the perfect illustration in to our lives through the complexity of our life. This morning, the perfect illustration to why defensiveness does not work and only makes things worse and marriages more unhappy occurred.

My (Michael) dear friend Casey McKown, who lives in the adjacent community of The Woodlands, came to pick us up and drive our family to the airport this morning. We are heading to Phoenix, Arizona to speak at a conference and the kids are joining us. I thought it would be fun to bring the kids to Phoenix and show them where their old man grew up.

As usual, we were all waiting outside in the car for my wife to finally exit the home. Like other crazy ladies out there, my wife has the excruciating need to thoroughly clean the house before leaving on vacation. I can not personally understand this need because my idea of cleanliness has more to do with stench than it does messes on the floor.

Casey and I were standing outside of the car chatting about life and discussing the linear equation to the mathematical equivalent of the speed of light (which I know there are several words in this sentence that are made up or used completely inaccurately). Or we were talking about the latest episode of Battle Star Galactica, because that is how we roll! Anyway, my wife finally comes outside to get in the car, and this is when it happened.

Casey and I were standing at the front of my Honda Odyssey as Amy passed us to get in the van. As she walked by she made a comment that only a wife can make, “Casey, do you see the damage Michael did to the front bumper when he hit a tire yesterday on the freeway.” My reaction was swift and immediate, “What?!” I was upset for two reasons. First, I was upset because I didn’t even know the front bumper was messed up which only further proves what an unmanly man I really am! Secondly, that was totally unfair!

As Amy knelt down by the damaged front bumper, she pointed out the massive black mark and how the side of the bumper was now detached from the van. Amy again highlighted how I’d hit the tire on the freeway which caused the extensive damage. I was beside myself and did what any normal human being does when getting unfairly blamed, I got defensive! In one quick, reactive statement I retorted Amy’s comment by saying, “And by hit a tire on the freeway, do you mean a car swerved in front of us, cutting us off, and blew a tire which then flew across the ground at blinding speeds and smacked in to our front bumper?”

What did I get for my brilliant argument? A simple, yet profound “Nope, you hit it.” And with that Amy got in the car with a wry smile on her face. The kind of smile that says, “Gotcha.” Luckily we are writing a book on personal responsibility, because as I was getting upset and preparing my “you’re not allowed to blame me” speech, God quietly reminded me that my defensiveness was getting me overly worked up. Amy was clearly messing with me, but I was allowing my pride to cause me to react poorly. This is why defensiveness is so unhelpful in relationships.

We define defensiveness as a person’s attempt to resolve a problem through arguing, explaining away, or being combative. When we argue with someone about the facts surrounding a circumstance, we are being defensive. When conflict occurs between two people, the “remembered” facts of the situation are rarely accurate. It never does us any good to argue facts with our spouse (or anyone for that matter). Discussing the facts only causes defensiveness in the person we are arguing with about the facts!

Explaining away is one of the more popular ways to be defensive. It does not initially appear argumentative or combative, but this could not be further from the truth. Take for example a recent couple we saw in one of our Marriage Restoration Intensives. When we asked the wife what it would take to get her marriage from a 3 to a 10 (1 being horrible and 10 being great) she said, “It would be nice if we could spend more time together at home just hanging out and not working on the computer.” The wife’s voice was calm as she shared her need, but the husband’s reaction was swift. “What do you mean spend more time together at home? When I’m home all you seem to want to do is sit on the couch and watch your favorite shows. How can that be spending time together? I would love to spend more time together at home, but it is not my fault this isn’t happening!”

Can you see the breakdown in communication and the defensiveness? The wife was obviously not feeling like they were spending any time together at home. Her definition of spending time together was clearly different than her husband’s, but her husband reacted poorly by getting upset and defensive. The husband took her need as a direct assault on him, as if he was the person at fault for them not spending any time together. So he fought back with defensiveness by trying to explain away his wife’s opinion.

You know the drill. You get accused of something and you feel that if you could only “convince” your spouse about the inaccuracy of her opinion or experience, things would get better. But things do not get better, ever, when we try to explain away our spouse’s feelings or needs.

Defensiveness causes unhappiness and a breakdown in communication because it escalates the negative emotions we might be experiencing in a conflict (or potential conflict). Have you ever experienced your spouse calming down after being defensive? Probably not, so then why do we keep doing it? Because we are not taking personal responsibility of our emotions and choices. Defensiveness is a direct result of a lack of taking responsibility. Who wants to be told their feelings and needs are inaccurate or wrong? No one does.

So then why do we choose to react defensively even though we know it is not going to help the conflict? In our experience, we have found three reasons why people tend to get defensive:
We get defensive because we are sinful.
There is no escaping our sinfulness. We have already discussed this earlier in the book. But we want to keep reminding you of your brokenness. Not because we want you to feel bad about your sin, but because we want you to be humble and understand your spouse’s needs and feelings. Our sin does not define us, God does. In Genesis we learned that we were created in God’s image. This gives us tremendous value. No other part of God’s creation was given this distinction. So your sin does not define who you are. However, it does impact how you behave and that is where we need to be sensitive, humble, and understanding.
We get defensive because we want to prove we are right or our spouse is wrong.
How many arguments have you gotten in to with your spouse because you wanted to prove something? Does it feel good when your spouse or someone else tries to invalidate your feelings or needs? Probably not, we can all relate to how that might feel. Getting in to a who’s right or who’s wrong conversation is never a good thing. The conflict will only get worse and you will never come together as a team if you are constantly on opposing sides or counsel (like lawyers in a courtroom).
We get defensive because we feel bad that something we did was taken wrong or misunderstood.
This reason for defensiveness can be the hardest one to break. The first two reasons are pretty obvious and make logical sense in terms of their negative impact on a marriage. If we are going to be happy in our marriage, then we have to allow our spouse to feel negatively about something we may have unintentionally done. This seems unfair because why should we be punished for something we did not do? It sounds so logical to try and explain away the unintentional hurt of our spouse. “If only he would listen to me and let me explain what I meant, he would feel better.” But our spouse doesn’t feel better after we have tried to explain away the hurt, does he? We do this as well, and we both know it never seems to make things better.

Even though we unintentionally hurt our spouse, we still hurt our spouse. We must come to grips with this concpet. It does not matter in a court of law if you accidentally kill someone. There’s an actual term for this kind of crime, it’s called manslaughter. Manslaughter is a legal term that says you are guilty of a crime even though you did not mean to do it. Maybe you were being wreckless at the time of the accident or maybe you were distracted for only a second, but if you kill someone you will typically get punished – whether you meant to you or not.

The same is true relationally. It does not matter whether or not you meant to hurt your spouse. The reality is that your spouse is hurting. Take on the hurt and listen to how you can repair it. This is a great way to take personal responsibility and a very simple way to help the marriage succeed.

If defensiveness does not work, then what does? How can you start responding differently to your spouse’s hurt or unmet expectations? Check out the following six ways you can respond differently than being defensive. It is not a comprehensive list, but we do feel like the list contains the more important ways you can respond differently:

1. Respond by validating.

We are going to unpack how to validate your spouse in a chapter all by itself. But we wanted to mention it here because we believe it is so important and is actually the exact opposite of being defensive. Validation means that your spouse is more important to you than proving her wrong or proving yourself right.

2. Respond by listening.

Instead of being defensive, try listening for a change of pace. When you listen, it sends a message to your spouse that he is important and worth zipping your lips shut over. Listening is such an easy way to help calm someone down as long as you are listening well.

Listening well involves eye contact, positive energy, and good posture. Rolling your eyes and letting out sigh after sigh is not a good way to listen. Focus all your attention on your spouse and wait to see how things start to calm down.

3. Asking questions

Instead of being defensive, we can ask questions. Too few couples in the world understand the art of simply asking a question. Open ended questions can be a powerful tool in calming down your spouse. An open ended question sounds like, “It feels like I’ve done something to upset you, can you help me understand what I did?” We use questions all the time when our feelings get hurt or when we are feeling defensive. Questions are a nice way to bring the discussion to a more healthy and rationale level.

4. Just allowing your spouse to have her own opinions

We know you are always right! This is the kind of attitude that can get us in trouble in our marriages. We feel like our opinion is superior to our mate’s and we gladly share the differences making sure to highlight the faulty thinking on our mate’s part. Sometimes we need to allow our mate to have a different opinion. There are times when we need to come to a win/win solution, but there are also times when we need to accept our mate’s different opinion.

5. Getting off the facts and on to the feelings

Defensiveness is rarely ever about facts. We get defensive because we are hurting. We are hurting because a button has been pushed (buttons like feeling rejected, controlled, powerless, like a failure, and disconnected. Buttons are more thoroughly unpacked on our website at www.gosmalley.com/tags/hot-buttons).

Just ask yourself the following questions, “Has focusing on facts ever calmed down my spouse in the past?” The answer is obvious, NO! It is pointless to discuss facts with our spouse, especially when we are feeling defensive. Nothing good is going to come out of the discussion, so we need to take the discussion from facts to feelings. If you are intimidated about sharing feelings, then download our list of “hot buttons” from the website and use that list to help you identify what is really bothering you.

6. As the great Bob Newhart said in the now famous YouTube video from Mad TV, “Stop it!” (You have to see this video if you have not already, it will make so much more sense to you! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE)

7. When you can’t “stop it” stop talking
Calling a time-out when things aren’t going well is a healthy step. The key is the clock starts ticking for a time-in when you call it. So when you feel defensive ask for a break. Take some time to calm down and to get an attitude adjustment (prayer works best). After you calm down and hopefully God has humbled you. You will be in a better frame of mind to talk again.

Our hope is that you are recognizing how destructive defensiveness is and that it only makes things worse. Stopping it begins with a decision. You have to decide that defensiveness does not work. Once you have made the decision, the next step is to replace the negative behavior (defensiveness) with something different. You can not stop at deciding you want to stop being deffensive. You must replace past behaviors with new ones.

The rest of our book is giving you a different way to behave to replace the negative patterns that have crept in to your marriage. It is not enough to hate the negative things going on in your marriage. Stay alert throughout the next chapters. Each chapter is a different way to respond to your spouse. These chapters are simple guidelines to help you dramatically impact your marriage.

Remember what you learned in the first chapters. You can make an impact on your marriage. You have more influence than you imagine when it comes to impacting your spouse for the positive. We know some of you reading this book are very happy and satisfied. Congrats! The reason you’re happy is probably because you take the time to read books on relationships and attend events and retreats to better your marriage.

Some of you reading this book are wiped out and are hoping this book will be a miracle for your marriage. Our book can be a miracle, the key is understanding that you are the miracle! There are many helpful resources on how to have a better marriage. We do not hold the patent on great relationships. Remember Jesus’ words spoken and recorded in Matthew. Be the person you want others to be. Be the change. Don’t wait for your spouse to get on the healthy marriage train. Jump on yourself and watch what happens. The happy marriage train is a party! Your spouse will hear all the happy noises emanating from the train and she will want to jump on with you! The more healthy you are, the more your marriage has a chance of succeeding and being satisfied.

There are five acts of love that will totally rock your marriage!  They might sound kind of cliche at first, but stay with me because if you and your spouse will implement these five things in to your marriage you will never stop thanking me for this post!

You see, when people first get married they simply believe that their love is true and their love will last.  But as many suffer through the effects of divorce, this belief is obviously not enough to keep the marriage healthy and thriving.  No matter how you start off in your marriage, happy, sad, thriving, or stumbling through the gate, every couple has to learn these five acts of love if they are going to remain happy.

ACT ONE – HAVE FUN TOGETHER

I know this first act seems a tad obvious, but ask yourself this (especially if you are stressed out in your marriage), when is the last time you just went out together and had fun? Been a while hasn’t it.  Kids, the economy, the fact that you don’t like each other are all forces working against you simply going out and having fun.  But do not (absolutely refuse) allow these factors to keep you from having fun together!

Pick a night of the week you can designate as fun time for your marriage. Keep this night sacred.  Do not give yourself excuses to miss this night and do not allow yourself to have conflict on this night.  If something happens during the evening and you get your feelings hurt, save the discussion for later when you return home.  If it is still an issue for you, then you can have a calm discussion about the problem, but just not on your date.

ACT TWO – JOIN A SMALL GROUP TOGETHER

One of the best predictors of health for a couple is whether or not they are actively involved in a small group or Sunday school class with other couples.  Whenever I do a Marriage Restoration intensive I make sure and have the couple agree to joining a small group if they are not already involved in one (most of them are not, which is not surprising).

Small groups provide support, encouragement, and accountability.  These are all things that help encourage you to be healthy and out of conflict.

ACT THREE – LEARN TO RESOLVE CONFLICT

Do you know how to resolve conflict? Probably not, and believe me when I write, most people do not know how to resolve conflict when they get married.  Conflict resolution is not a natural skill, in fact, we are more naturally prone to mess up conflict resolution!

We teach a communication skill called LUV Talk, you can learn more about this through our Embrace audio series and the DNA of Relationships DVD series.  If books are more your style, then check out The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed of and More Than a Match.

ACT FOUR – KEEP FUN TIME SACRED

And no, this act is not the same as act one, but it does compliment act one quite nicely.  Dr. John Gottman says that couples who are happily married have a 5 to 1 positive experience to every negative experience together.  So one of the smartest things you will ever do for your marriage is keep fun time sacred.  What does this mean you ask? It means that you do not argue or mess up fun time if one of your buttons gets pushed.  You simply call a time-out and agree to discuss whatever came up later at home or after the vacation is over.  Do not ruin a perfectly good date night be getting in to conflict. You will start noticing that some of the things you get all worked up over end up not being that big of a deal by the time you get home.

ACT FIVE – GIVE ALLOWANCES FOR EACH OTHER’S FAULTS

Your spouse is not perfect, and the big secret is, neither are you! So relax a little bit when your spouse makes a mistake.  Giving allowances for each other’s faults is like giving your spouse a present they did not ask for, but are blown away by.  The more we can take a deep breath and relax with our spouse, the more we will create an environment our spouse actually enjoys.  The more our spouse enjoys our company, the better our marriage is going to be.

I hope you take each of these five recommendations to heart and implement them in to your marriage.  Great marriages do not just magically happen, they are the result of your own hard work.

You have seen the commercials, heard the hype, and have finally purchased your brand new 3G iPhone.  Now what?  Even though the iPhone can not actually cook the date night meal for you, it can give you the best recipe to cook.  Maybe the iPhone can not take your wife out on a date, but it can show you where to take her.

The following post contains (in my opinion of course) the top 26 iPhone Apps that can help your marriage.  That’s right.  The iPhone, if used prrly and with the correct apps, can actually make your marriage more satisfying.  The key to any healthy marriage (thus avoiding divorce because you are so happy) is your ability to have fun together, to stay organized, and to keep the lines of communication open with each other. So the following 26 iPhone Apps have been divided into three main categories: 1. Having Fun, 2. Staying Organized, and 3. Communication.

HAVING FUN

1. Urbanspoon

The first on my list of iPhone apps that can help you have more fun in your marriage is Urbanspoon.  The reason I like this app for adding more fun to your marriage is that all you have to do for a new and innovative night out at a restaurant or club is to simply shake your phone (and booty if the mood hits you right).  You can even select certain categories of food you want, price, or distance to help narrow your search to something you know the both of you will enjoy.

2. Goodrec

One of the easiest ways to make, find and remember recommendations for restaurants, nightlife, books, movies and more from your friend’s and sources you trust.  This is a great little app to help you plan the perfect date night with each other.  I have been able to use it to locate nearby fun spots after dinner on our own date nights.

3. Now Playing

This has been my favorite move theater finder and movie listing app for the iPhone.  It searches for movie theaters near you automatically and it includes movie ratings from RottenTomatoes and Google Movie Reviews.  Going out to a movie is one of our favorite things to do on a date night, and this app makes it a click away.

4. Yelp

Looking for a burrito joint open now? An Irish pub nearby? A gas station you can drive to before your tank hits empty? Yelp for your iPhone is here to help. Use Yelp to search for places to eat, shop, drink, relax and play then read reviews from an active community of locals in the know.  I have found that Yelp is one of the better “fun night” apps that has a large user ratings base and so you can truly get good feedback on a place before going to it.

5. OpenTable

I have used OpenTable before through my browser, but now they have it for my iPhone! This is a great app on simply making a reservation at the hottest restaurants in town.  No hassle reservations will help you enjoy the evening even more.

6. Mobile by Citysearch

Searching for the best dive bar open past midnight? Citysearch connects you to what’s happening in your neighborhood and beyond. If you’re at all savvy online, then you know about CitySearch.  Now all that power and knowledge of CitySearch is at the touch of your finger.  So go forth boldy and find that new hotspot in your city to take your spouse out for a great night of fun.

7. AroundMe

Allows you to quickly find out information about your surroundings.  You can never have enough apps to help find cool new places or restaurants near you.  I’ve included this one because it is so simple, there is virtually no work involved except launching the app on your iPhone.  You can use this app spontaneously while you are driving in the car or use it to plan out your night’s activities in advance.

8. Big Oven

Over 250,000 recipes to search by keyword! We both enjoy evenings at home for our date nights as well, but it can become both romantic and creative when you make a special meal.  Big Oven takes the guessing work out of what to cook and it is very easy to read and understand the recipes.

9. Salon & spa findrr

The easiest way to find the closest salon or spa. Just open and see the 8 salons and spas closest to your present location.  Is there anything better than having a couple message or spa experience? I don’t think so!

10. Superball 2

SuperBall 2 is a fun and quick paced block blasting brick breaker game with unique gameplay and enhanced graphics.  This game is so addictive, but you might be asking why I’m including it on a top 26 list for marriages, because I am in charge of the list! And, if both you and your spouse have iPhones, you can actually play each other with this great little game.  It brings back the memories of Pong, but Pong on steriods.

11. Shazam

So you’re driving down the highway or street and you hear the perfect song that you want to get for your spouse, what to do? Get the free app Shazam! All you do is launch the app and touch ‘tag now’.  It does its magic and wham, the song title, album and group pops up.

12. Target

Don’t know what to get your spouse for a birthday, anniversary, or make-up gift? No more worries, just download the Target app for free and shake your worries away with the random gift generator.

13. WootWatch

Are you cheap? If you are, then you must download the free app WootWatch.  This is a slick and organized app that taps in to the unbelievable deals of Woot.com.  So now you can buy that expensive gift for your spouse and be cheap at the same time! But you’d better hurry, because each Woot sale only lasts for one day or until it is sold out.

14. Trailguru

My wife loves exercising for fun (wish I had the same idea of fun) with me.  So why not bring a little technology with you when you work out together.  Trailguru is totally cool and tracks all sorts of great things as you walk, run, or bike.

STAYING ORGANIZED

If you want to feel good about your marriage, then make sure you are organized in life.  When life feels chaotic and messy, so does your marriage.  So check out these little apps that can help you keep on track with your life.

15. EVERNOTE

Remember everything. Evernote allows you to easily capture information in any environment using whatever device or platform you find most convenient, and makes this information accessible and searchable at any time, from anywhere. This might be my favorite app for keeping organized.  I take voice notes, picture notes, and text notes with Evernote, and it is totally free!  Amy and I even use it together to make lists for each other when we are running errands (it sinks wirelessly, so any changes she makes will be automatically synced to my phone).

16. Grocery iQ

Grocery shopping made sensible. This app has literally saved my life! When I want to love and serve my wife, I will ask if she wants me to go to the grocery store for her.  It used to be a nightmare for me to go grocery shopping because I was totally disorganized when checking off the items on my list.  I would head from side to side and front to back for each stinking item! Well no longer will I suffer from the effects of my ADHD grocery shopping! This app allows you to order the isles on the app to match the order of isles at your favorite grocery store! So when you add items to shop for, the app will automatically sort the items to your store’s preference.

17. iXpenseIt

iXpenseIt by FYI Mobileware Inc. simplifies daily expense tracking. With iXpenseIt you can now record your expenses anywhere, anytime within seconds. Store your photo receipt is a snap. Customize your personal and business expenses with easy to understand reports. Take control of your expenses today with iXpenseIt!

18. Upcoming Events

Forgot a birthday and wished someone had reminded you? Upcoming Events is a convenience utility that retrieves, consolidates and organizes events such as birthdays and anniversaries into a simple and intuitive interface so that you can quickly access this information. You will officially never have the excuse of forgetting an important date again!

COMMUNICATION

19. Facebook

I’m not sure there is any other app that brings such joy to my life! Okay, I may be over-stating this, but Facebook is so cool because it keeps you connected with friends, family, and yes, even your spouse.  You can post your fun photos together and use that as an opportunity down the road to remember the good times, especially if the current times are not so good.

20. Recorder

Have you ever been somewhere without your spouse and remembered something special or thought of something really sweet about your spouse?  But then you had no way of recording your thoughts or kind words? No more fear…Recorder is here! Simply record your thought and post that to Facebook, the computer, email, or even make a CD!

21. I Love You

I found this app and thought it was corny at first, but then, I changed my mind because it really does have some cool quotes and lines you can speak to your spouse.  You can never have enough help to be creative and this little app can certainly get the love flowing!

22. Mood Touch

Happy? Sad? Stressed? Mood Touch will tell you!
It’s designed to have you interact with it to determine the mood that you’re feeling as you touch it. The process is simple, just touch the screen and let Mood Touch do the rest. Where was this little app when I was learning to understand my wife?

23. Share Your Voice

This is another fun way to record your thoughts and easily send them to your spouse.  This app is quite intuitive and truly allows you to post directly to Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, and email.  I might be missing some of them, but it is easy and with this app you can let the whole world know how you feel about your spouse (only if it is positive of course).

24. My CoinFlip

Sometimes it’s hard to decide. So why not just flip a coin. You want better communication on making decisions? This app is the key to resolving conflict.  If you come to an impasse with your spouse, just launch this app and let it be the decision maker, judge and jury.

25. Talk to the Hand

Is someone getting on your nerves? You don’t want to talk? Show them the hand! Start this little app and make the person talk to the hand and it will cheer them on to let it all out.

26. Holy Bible by YouVersion

I’d be remissed if I did not include my favorite bible app for the iPhone! They have tons of versions and you can take notes, bookmark and even email verses to your spouse for encouragement and healing.  Easily search for, bookmark and access any passage in the Bible! Choose one of many translations including the NIV, ESV, KJV, NLT, GW, NKJV, AMP, NASB, CEV, NET, WEB, NCV, TNIV, HCSB, the Message, and many more in other languages.

I hope you find these apps to be helpful in creating a marriage worth having.  The key to any great marriage is to continually keep learning new ways to love each other well and these iPhone apps can be a part of your growth together.

Amen and hallelujah!  Great marriages, truly great marriages, stick together through the tough times.  I find myself saying this a lot to couples coming to our MRI program, “You can not know joy if you do not also know sorrow.”

Couples miss out on true happiness when they give up during the tough times.

Make your marriage a covenant, not just a contract. God intended marriage to be much more than the contractual relationship it typically is in our society. Viewed as a contract, marriage is simply about what and your spouse agree to do for each other (and if either of you fail, the relationship can be canceled). But God designed marriage to be a covenant, a permanent relationship that’s built on unconditional love. The first step in effectively communicating with your spouse is for both of you to view your marriage as a covenant. Be willing to love your spouse with a steadfast love. Decide to focus on what you can do for your spouse, instead of on what you want your spouse to do for you.

Speak Your Spouse’s Language

What is the most important thing in a marriage relationship? Communication? The ability to resolve conflict?

Actually, neither.

‘Satisfied Dissatisfaction’ is Key to Marital Growth.