I’ve been a supporter of Tiger ever since he burst on to the scene as a professional golfer, and honestly, even before that when he was winning amateur championships. It pains me to see what he is going through and to be hearing all the rumors of sex with other women. Things seem to be getting worse for Tiger, and sponsors may be starting to rethink their support. Tiger is on every newspaper, magazine, and TV news-lead in the country, but no one is talking about his potential sexual addiction.

If the rumors are true, and some very damaging evidence is coming out daily to prove these women’s stories, then Tiger is not just having affairs, he’s in the midst of a potential sexual addiction. Did you know The National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity estimated that:

6%-8% of Americans are sex addicts, which is 16 million-21.5 million people. (Source: Cooper, Alvin, Dana E. Putnam, Lynn A. Planchon, and Sylvain C. Boies. “Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net.” Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 6:79-104.)

Sexual addiction is not rampant, but it certainly is affecting a lot of people in the United States. What is sexual addiction? PsychCentral.com gives a good definition:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

In normal terms, someone with a sexual addiction is not just struggling with affairs or pornography, they are totally engrossed in these activities. It’s like they can not stop themselves and their behavior dramatically hurts their families and work life. Addiction is a horrible thing for people because many addicts do not want to do what ever it is they are addicted to, and most feel horrible about their addiction, but they can not stop themselves without a serious intervention.

I hope Tiger gets his intervention. He needs one and I know he is involved in marital counseling, but he is going to need individual work as well.

Why do people have affairs? I’ve counseled many couples in crisis due to the damaging experience of an affair or infidelity and the victimized spouse almost always wants to know why. Why would he do this to me? Why would she need another man? The questions are painful and filled with hurt, anger, and frustration.

Smart Marriages is an organization founded and directed by Diane Sollee and I get Diane’s newsletter each week (sometimes daily). Peggy Vaughan recently wrote to Diane about the societal factors of infidelity, in other words, a powerful reason why someone might seek out an affair:

Dear Diane,

I just watched Oprah which featured a rare on-camera interview with an Amishcouple (taped prior to the Amish school shooting). The interview revealed that in Amish marriages, there are NO divorces and NO extramarital affairs.

As you know, beginning with the initial publication of “The Monogamy Myth” in 1989, I have advocated looking beyond just the personal failures of individuals or particular marriages to recognize that “societal factors” also play a role in affairs.

The Amish society is quite different from our more general society… which leads their attitudes about marriage to be drastically different as well.

Below are some quotes from the interview that demonstrate this:

Oprah: “What happens if you get tired of each other? What if you say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you anymore?’”

Amish: You go into marriage knowing this is for keeps. There is no divorce. You work on it, you talk about it, you go for counseling if need be.”

Oprah: “Is there any adultery?”

Amish: “No, not that I know of.”

Finally, perhaps the most amazing and inspiring comment of all: “We’re really happy. We have 100% contentment.”

Most of us think everything about the Amish way of life would be impossible, but their lives provide hope that it’s possible to change the larger society’s attitudes about marriage and about extramarital affairs.

Peggy Vaughan
website: http://www.dearpeggy.com
Blog: http://www.dearpeggy.com/blog/

Create an environment in your marriage where divorce is not an option and an affair is not an option and see what happens. If you ever think, “Well, if this doesn’t get any better, then I…” or “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with…” These kinds of thoughts undermine your commitment to the marriage and will have financial, emotional, and spiritual consequences if you continue to think about them.

What does Tiger need to do next for his marriage? Watch and find out what Gary has to say to Tiger.

First things first, all the reporters, TV anchors, and sports enthusiasts who are saying that Tiger Woods must come out and say what happened are ridonculous (my new favorite word from Coach Gruden on Monday Night Football!). Why is Tiger being silent, we do not know and I would love for people to stop assuming the worst. Am I being naive? Who cares! Tiger has not proven to be untrustworthy in the past, so why assume there is some horrible thing behind what happened the other night during his minor car accident.

In fact, I’ve known a few A-list and B-list celebrities in my life, and I can assure you that the rumors by TMZ and other tabloid entities are typically totally off base and full of lies. It disgusts me that the tabloid press is not held accountable for blatant lies.

I do not know if Tiger needs marital advice, but if you ever find yourself in a situation described by the media right now for Tiger, then take the following 3 pointers to help create the possibility for restoration in your marriage:

1. Be honest. Never assume that lying will help ease the pain for your spouse. Lying always makes whatever happened even worse. Just be honest and upfront if you’ve had an affair. If you have not had an affair, but your spouse is accusing you of one, then simply validate his or her feelings. Let your spouse know that you understand why he is accusing you of the affair, and then ask what you can do to help him understand the truth of the situation. Getting defensively nasty will only confirm your spouse’s beliefs.
2. Be humble. Now this is a word that can be difficult to do, especially if you are feeling falsely accused of something. But humility is always a great attitude to help people calm down and see things more realistically. One of the definitions of humbleness is to be “courteously respectful”. You are wanting to restore the relationship, so do not get prideful and resistant to validating your spouse’s fair or unfair accusations. Relax. If you are innocent, then you will be proven innocent. The more defensive you get the more guilty you appear. Humble people are kind, relaxed, and understanding. You will need a lot of those kinds of attitudes to repair the relationship.
3. Be patient. I do not know how long it will take for your spouse to open up, and neither do you. So be ready to patiently wait. Sometimes we just need hang on and give our spouse the space to heal and open up. Do not try and rush healing because you do not want to hurt any more. Trust that your spouse will open up and give your spouse the freedom and respect to heal.

Follow these three pointers and you will give your marriage the best chance to be restored.

[UPDATE]

Here’s the statement Tiger Woods released on his website www.tigerwoods.com earlier today:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Watch to see what Gary Smalley would say to Jon and Kate. It just might help your marriage as well!

You will not want to miss this video podcast! The question I received is one that hits to the core of many problems for marriages today. Watch and see how worked up I get in this one.

There are a lot of extra marital affairs each year in the United States. I must admit that I was completely naive about how many affairs were taking place. The research is not clear on just how many, but there are estimates ranging from 30 percent all the way to 60 percent of marriages suffer from the effects of infidelity.

What drives someone to infidelity? There have been books written on this subject, and this post is not trying to summarize the profound literature on this topic. But I thought you should be aware of my top 7 reasons why your spouse would cheat on you. The more you know the better you can protect your marriage.

Amy (my wife) and I have always taken a pretty strong stance against affairs. There are moral reasons for our stance as well as emotional and psychological reasons. But when it comes to protecting our marriage, I believe the smartest thing we did to protect our marriage from infidelity was to both admit that we were capable of having an affair. This might sound strange to you, but think for a second about the consequences of believing that you are incapable of an affair. Pride set in, and you know what comes after pride…the fall!

But this is not a post about protecting your marriage from an affair. This is a post about learning why your spouse would possibly commit an affair (which will ultimately help you protect your marriage from an affair). I do want to make perfectly clear that NONE of these seven reasons are your fault.  It is never your fault that your spouse chooses to have an affair to cope with something broken in the marriage.  But do understand that affairs are a huge signal that something is broken.  Here are 7 reasons that will help answer the question of, “Why?”:

1. Your spouse feels disconnected and shares this with someone of the opposite sex.
   One of the most basic needs of any human is to feel connected.  If your spouse feels disconnected in the marriage, then your marriage is at risk for an affair.  Stay connected with each other by sharing feelings and needs openly and honestly and without condemnation.  If I can’t share my feelings with my spouse, then I’m going to naturally feel disconnected and then I might search for someone to connect with.  This is when it gets dangerous.
2. Your spouse complains about you to the opposite sex.
   The worst way we can handle stress in our marriage is by complaining to other people.  If I choose to complain to someone of the opposite sex, I’m setting myself up to have an affair.  When I complain to someone of the opposite sex, what I’m really doing is telling that person, “Love me unlike my spouse is loving me.”  People will catch this underlying desire and they will act upon it.  The best person to complain about your spouse with is…no one.  Complaining just makes things worse.  Be productive and tell your spouse that something isn’t right and then go seek help from a pastor or marriage coach.
3. Your spouse drinks alcohol heavily while traveling on business.
   This one drives me crazy!  I was at a restaurant bar in Orlando once where I sat next to a man who was hammered.  He could barely sit on his bar stool and he was hitting on the girl next to him like there was no tomorrow.  I noticed the ring on his finger and decided to try and give him a chance to pull out of the situation.  I can’t remember what I said, but I think I asked him how long he’d been married.  Sadly, he laughed off my question and said, “My wife isn’t here, so that doesn’t matter.”  He then went off with the young lady alone.  Drinking too much alcohol is never a good idea, but especially if you are traveling without your spouse.  The majority of affairs are actually one-night-stands that happen outside of the state people live in.
4. Your spouse hangs out with the wrong crowd late in to the evenings.
   This one is very similar to #3, but it is different because it centers around the activity at home.  If your spouse likes to party until late in the evening with single friends or friends who are not good influences (and you know who those are), then your marriage is at risk for an affair.  My mother always told me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.  This is true for your marriage.  Hanging out drinking late in to the evening is a formula for disaster.  Stay home and keep each other company.
5. Your spouse has low self-esteem and likes to be flirted with.
   This one can be a subtle danger to your marriage.  If your spouse feels insecure then she might try to find a new self-image through an opposite sex friendship or flirting.  This can often start off very innocent, but once feelings of security through the flirting and friendship creep in, the emotions will turn romantic.  They always do so do not fool yourself or be fooled.
6. Your spouse feels bored in the marriage and wants more excitement.
   This one bothers me as much as #3!  What a horrible reason to seek out an affair!  Feelings of boredom are natural, but they are in no way an excuse to seek out an affair.  If your spouse ever shares that he is feeling bored or uninterested, do not ignore this plea.  Take it seriously and check out what needs to happen to spice things up (and I’m not hinting at just sex here, but emotionally as well).  If you do not talk with each other, then you set up an environment where an affair becomes much easier to commit.
7. Your spouse feels a lack of attention in the marriage.
   If you ignore your spouse, someone else will give the attention that is being desired.  I will reiterate that if your spouse has an affair, that is not your fault! But…please understand that you do play a role in the problem.  Even though an affair is the most hurtful thing you could do to your spouse, it is just a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage.  So that means both people have to work on making the marriage stronger and resistant to infidelity.

What should you do with this list?  Take a moment to check yourself to see if you (or your spouse) are doing any of these 7 things.  If you realize that one or more of them are occurring in your marriage, then sit down and bring it up before an affair happens.  Be proactive in your marriage and not reactive.  Take steps to connect and care for each other.  The more satisfied your marriage is, the less likely an affair is going to occur.

What’s your opinion on whether or not you should tell your spouse about a crush you have on someone? Leave your comments below and then I will post my own thoughts later today.

This poll question might feel totally inappropriate and odd, but I had to ask this question because of the alarming amount of affairs that are technically only “one-night-stands”.  I can not find any consistent research that assumes a percentage of marriage women and men who have one night stands, but most of the research suggests that it is far more prevalent than you might expect.

So what do you think?

[poll id="3"]

The following is a great post about the reality of recovering from an affair (or any really hurtful act by your spouse).  What I like about it is the truth about how long it can take to recover from a big hurt.  Too many couples try to rush the healing process, and if it does not happen quick enough, they give up losing the ability to recover from the hurt.

Big pain takes big time to heal from:

444 days.  That’s all the headline said about the US hostages being released from Iran in January 1980.  On the day of their release, they had been held hostage 444 days. It’s also the approximate number of days it took for Ann and I to really turn the corner and find release in dealing with our affairs.

I started looking at the number after watching the movie Fireproof.  The Fireproof folks are marketing the Love Dare.  The Love Dare is 40 ways over 40 days that you can be a better spouse to your spouse.

40 days?  Not for what we are usually dealing with on this site.  What would 40 days cover.  40 days just gets you to the reality that this crap isn’t going away anytime soon.  The pain is still intense.  I’d wake up and feel great for a 10th of a second and the pain would come crashing in again.

via Marriages Restored : 444 Days.